Fathers respect
you always chase after somethign that you will probably never have, and for me that chase is for my fathers respect. ive been a constant source of disappointment for him ever since the day i became who i am, a lazy, bored, adolescent with so much free time and a lack of will to do anything with it. im angry at him, for not understanding me, not being there for me.
from ever since i can remember and ive remembered a lot hes not been there, he has been around, somehwere but its difficult to place him in my life, never at any pta meetings, neva at any swim meets, never proud when i became school champion, i doubt if he even knows... finding faults in everything i do, never having the patience to explain things to me, and yet i want to be just like him, i want be successful, i want to be everybodys go to guy, in a way i want to be him when i grow up, he always seems to have everything under control, knows whats going on where at most times, seems to have enormous amounts of energy to do the things he does to provide for his family.
he has his faults but who doesnt, i wear his shirts sometimes, i use his old watches, i like wearing his sandals (my god tht man has incredible sandals), not because i cannot afford to have my own, ofcourse not, i can and i do have my own, but doing all those things just makes me feel closer to him, mayb if i wear what he wears mayb if i act like he does then mayb someday il get the respect and the love that i yearn, that i deserve. even recently after scoring well in all my entrance tests there was a moment of adulation, maybe even he was proud of me for a bit, but then i go ahead and fuck up and then its back to normal...
"ive always noticed my dad leaning against the wall, cigarette in hand, and my mom hovering all around me, smothering me with all her love, i yearned for his love so bad that it blinded me, i never noticed that while one was leaning towards me the other was leaning away."
im a total mama's boy!!!
from ever since i can remember and ive remembered a lot hes not been there, he has been around, somehwere but its difficult to place him in my life, never at any pta meetings, neva at any swim meets, never proud when i became school champion, i doubt if he even knows... finding faults in everything i do, never having the patience to explain things to me, and yet i want to be just like him, i want be successful, i want to be everybodys go to guy, in a way i want to be him when i grow up, he always seems to have everything under control, knows whats going on where at most times, seems to have enormous amounts of energy to do the things he does to provide for his family.
he has his faults but who doesnt, i wear his shirts sometimes, i use his old watches, i like wearing his sandals (my god tht man has incredible sandals), not because i cannot afford to have my own, ofcourse not, i can and i do have my own, but doing all those things just makes me feel closer to him, mayb if i wear what he wears mayb if i act like he does then mayb someday il get the respect and the love that i yearn, that i deserve. even recently after scoring well in all my entrance tests there was a moment of adulation, maybe even he was proud of me for a bit, but then i go ahead and fuck up and then its back to normal...
"ive always noticed my dad leaning against the wall, cigarette in hand, and my mom hovering all around me, smothering me with all her love, i yearned for his love so bad that it blinded me, i never noticed that while one was leaning towards me the other was leaning away."
im a total mama's boy!!!
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